Is feedback from your colleagues scarce? Do you sense them treading lightly around you? Are you often compelled to justify your actions when feedback comes your way? If these scenarios sound familiar, you may be inadvertently displaying defensive behavior. Many software engineers are unaware of their own defensiveness, leading coworkers to steer clear of them. In this post, we'll explore how to embrace assertiveness as a software engineer, empowering you to transform your interactions and unlock greater success, teamwork, and synergy with your peers.

Why do I become defensive?

Every behavior holds meaning.

Defensiveness often arises when we don't feel safe. Not necessarily in a life-threatening way, but more as a sense of discomfort or vulnerability. I noticed my own defensiveness, particularly when my work was scrutinized or critiqued, regardless of whether the feedback was constructive. In these moments, I felt the urge to protect myself and rationalize my choices. It's important to recognize that defensiveness can be perceived as aggressive behavior. In a code review, for example, it may come across as saying, "I don't care about your opinion. How dare you question my code? Your input doesn't matter—only mine does." This kind of dialogue tends to be driven by emotions and personal beliefs.

To understand more about defensive behavior, I highly recommend this video by Dr. Dawn Elise-Snipes.

Tips for Listening without Defensiveness | Assertiveness Skills

5 Telltale Signs of Defensiveness in Your Behavior

Now that we've discussed the why. What are some indicators you should be mindful of that suggest defensiveness?

1. Difficulty accepting feedback

Dismiss others opinions about your work (directly or indirectly).

2. Justifying actions

When a colleague provides feedback, you're quick to explain and justify why you approached it the way you did.

3. Interrupting

Frequently interrupting your colleagues when they share their opinion or provide feedback.

4. Body language

Crossing arms, avoiding eye contact, or adopting a rigid posture.

5. Shifting blame

Quick to shift the blame to others or external factors rather than taking responsibility for their mistakes or shortcomings.

If you exhibit any of these signs, don't worry—it's not the end of the world. To become more assertive, the first step is self-awareness. Recognizing defensive behaviors enables you to address them, fostering personal growth and development.

Practice Assertive Behavior.

Assertive behavior or being assertive is the opposite of being defensive. Assertiveness is expressing your thoughts, feelings, opinions, and needs in a clear, honest, and respectful manner, while also considering and respecting the rights and opinions of others. It's between passivity (not standing up for yourself) and aggression (disregarding others' feelings and rights).

Now, what does it mean to a software engineer? The ability to confidently express your ideas, opinions, and concerns while maintaining a respectful and open-minded attitude towards the opinions of team members.

What are ways we can practice assertive behavior?

1. Be open and seek feedback.

“Feedback is the breakfast of champions.” - Ken Blanchard

By actively seeking feedback and being open to feedback, your colleagues will feel that you're more approachable and feel that they can share their opinions with you. This also promotes a collaborative environment that is healthy for any workplace.

2. Practice assertive and open body language.

Crossing your arms and not looking at your peer when they're sharing their thoughts is a turnoff. No one wants to feel like they're not being listened to. Here are a couple of examples of open body language:

Maintain eye contact. This shows you're engaged and being respectful.

Nodding. Nodding during a conversation signals agreement, understanding, or encouragement for the speaker to continue.

Unfolding arms. Unfolding your arms shows more openness and willingness to listen to the speaker.

Smile. What's better than showing the speaker that you're enjoying the conversation by smiling. It's a nice and warm gesture that is appreciated by anyone.

3. Be concise and clear.

Don't beat around the bush. Don't sugarcoat your thoughts. Don't be vague and use vague language. Clearly articulate your thoughts, feelings, and needs in a straightforward manner. Straightforward doesn't mean doing it aggressively. Remember, being assertive is between passivity (not standing up for yourself) and aggression (disregarding others' feelings and rights).

4. Practice active listening.

Show an interest in the speaker. Genuinely trying to understand the other person's perspective shows you're empathizing with their feelings and needs.

5. Stop and think before responding.

Stop. Take a deep breath. You don't want to respond out of impulse and become defensive. Think about your answer and be concise and clear.

Keep in mind that defensiveness is a common behavior among people, not just software engineers. It's a learned response that our minds have developed over time. So, when interacting with someone who is defensive, try to help them overcome that barrier. Defensiveness is a natural, ingrained reaction—our brains are simply wired that way.

As a software engineer, I am also working on overcoming defensiveness. Keep in mind that everyone has to start somewhere. Practice self-awareness, acknowledge your defensive tendencies, and cultivate a desire to improve yourself for the better.

Let's lower our shields and turn every conversation from a battlefield into a collaborative workspace! RO out 🎤